Entry title:
Date / Time : Monday, November 23, 2009 / 8:56 PM
omg. i'm dead meat la. tomorrow's so important to me. like super super important. it's lke my life depends on it. my softball life that is. and if it all doesn't work out well, i will suffer from depression. seriously. today's training was partially good. like the indoors training part was okay. i didn't get scolded much. it was easier than the outdoor trianing. i was so freaking stressed by jiao lian. i mean she keeps making me do star jumps when my ball can't reach natalie. and it's so unfair that she keeps pushing me when i'm already trying my best. and like she asked me if i used my full power to throw that ball and i thought it was some kind of trick question where i'll get scolded no matter what answer i gave. so i said no. and in the end, she scolded me like hell and punished me. sobs. the freaking weights tore my skin. and like she keeps calling me lazy when i'm already trying. i'm TRYING. at least give me some chances to do it properly. i can't be damn perfect and do the correct thing with just one try right. people need to get used to it and use their abilities according to that. okay, i ahve no idea what i'm saying. this is an emo post if you don't already know. and like she compared me to natalie and no offence, i think she's right. like about how natalie is so much "smaller" {she's actually just skinny} and she has the power to throw long dist. i'm freaking sad over that. i mean i'm just in that way that it's difficult to throw long dist. i keep asking for advice from those that can throw well and stuff. it's difficult to try hard and get scolded all the same. she doesn't know that i really can't be compared to others like cheryl and natalie and shin yi and nicole. cos they've at least got some kind of healthy life and exercise before. and i don't cos i'm just an overly- protected girl since i was born. i hate to be overly-protected. i want my parents to trust me enough to be independant. i want to be good at something. like cos ever since like small, i was the utterly lazy fat ass and also the most dependant on others girl. YES, I WAS FAT. i always gave up halfway when learning something. like guzheng, i learnt and gave up halfway. ballet as well, i gave up halfway cos of psle. but that's utter bullcrap. other people can still do well in their psle and continue with their ballet. i was really interested in ballet. even though i was like THE fattest girl in class. i didn't care. i just danced cos i liked it. i don't want to be called lazy. i don't want to be called irreliable and irresponsible. i want to be independant. i want to be good at something. i want to excel in something that i enjoy doing. and it's not for other people but for myself. MYSELF. tomorrow's my judgement day. it's my last chance to prove to jiao lian that i am capable of playing infield. i want to prove those that doubt me wrong. i will give my best tomorrow and onwards in everything i do. i want to be the best i can be. i want to perform well and wow people. i want to show to my parents that i'm not wasting my time at training just throwing balls. i want to show them that i am capable of great things. i want and will prove to jiao lian and my parents that i am NOT lazy. i am going to go all out tomorrow and be fearless. let the ball hit me, i don't give a flying bull. i will/want to be aggressive. i will prove to jiao lian that not all church go-ers are scared of everything. i will prove her wrong. i will endure the pain and punishments. to get to my ultimate goal. which is to prove that i am able to play infield and that my i can perform beyond other people's expectations.
