ohmygah. 2 freaking days of horrendous training. bloody hell. i just want to kill/die/slap/puke on/fart at/shit on someone right now. i'm so damn bloody.. i don't know what. seriously. i just feel damn fcuked right now.. erghhhhshshshhaa. fcuk. { "fcuk"is not a swear word. fuck is not even spelt like that. boob.} anyways, yeah, training officially sucks BIG time. i hate training. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. stupid cz keeps freaking scolding me for everything. like my throwing right, i know i'm freaking shit at long dist throwing, but then at least now during practices, the bloody ball reaches! and she still keep scolding me for my movements. fcuk. all i want is the fcuking ball to reach. i couldn't care less about the stupid movements. not until later. then she got damn pissed at me and my horrendous throws, and punished me by making me throw 100 fcuking balls with all my might across the field. #$%#^#^#@#. worst thing is, those balls don't even reach the end of the field. just 3/4 then rolls all the way there. hoe fcuking pathetic. i am so damn pissed now. i mean i know that i can throw well and stuff. know i can do it but then i just don't know why the energy just doesn't come to me when throwing and ends up like shit. ERGH! what the hell is wrong with me. i seriously just don't know. i want to die sometimes. cos i feel like a fcukload of shit. cz is right, everyone in the team had improved alot and i'm the only asshole getting worse every training. even medha is better at throwing than me. and she's my fcuking competitor for third base. do you all know how much hardwork i put in in the beginning of the year cos i really wanted to get into the school's team and get into infield? do you? i trained my best every training and gave my all. for the first half of the year. i really did. and now, i'm risking my place in infield to some one who probably doesn't even come for 3/4 of training and is always late with stupid excuses. someone who probably doesn't even care about softball as much as i do and doesn't give her best at all. you should know who. i'm fcukin surprised at myself. why have i become such a useless bum?! i wasted my first half of the year's efforts , working so hard. and now it's the critical time for me to prove that i really can be infield. and i'm risking all my efforts, time during training and energy. and to those really nice people/friends that tell me "it's okay, just do my best, don't worry she can't replace you in third base", well it's not okay. i don't know what's wrong with me. saying it is a million times easier than doing it . it really is. you all don't know how difficult it is for me to my very best if i don't even trust myself to do it. i always get scolded picked on and punished by cz. it really demoralises me. i can't find a way to be confident. how to when i'm always the one picked on, screamed at and also, singled out every training? even medha is getting praises. i cannot believe this. i'm already trying my best. but maybe not enough i guess. i've put in so much effort this year. i can't believe that i'm betraying myself like this. it's just so not fair. maybe it's just me after all, maybe, i'm not fit to be put infield. but i will not give up until i am given my place/ position in the team. {meaning infield} even if i really am kicked to outfield, i will do my best and get back into infield. no matter what it takes. i will do it. i am going to show everybody that i can be a good softballer and nothing is impossible for me. i've come this far, why give it all up now?
