this post is dedicated to outfielders and syahindah.
okay, i know that i've not really thought about how you all feel and just go off saying stuff like that in my previous previous post. i'm sorry for that. cos i know how all of you do your best and really train hard.
this part is really for syahindah and rachel.
okay, i know you both think that i'm a total asshole to not think about your feelings and just say stuff like that. but, just do me a favour, and put yourselves in my shoes for a moment. think about it. you've heard my really pathetic story about my primary school life. and how i want to change and be different so badly in secondary school that i totally just change who i am. i'm not who i really am. i've been faking so much that, i don't actually know who i really am anymore. but softball is one part of me that i've never uncovered before. ever since i joined softball in the beginning of sec1, i've slowly came to realise how much i liked it. how much this sport means to me. and how much i will sacrifice for it. that's why ever since we all started training, i've been really putting in my best. trying my best. really training hard. because i wanted to show everyone else that i am capable of doing something special and am able to do something. something at all. i never did accomplish anything great or even good in my life. i want to do something for myself this once. i've been training so hard for the past few months just to get into infield, just to prove that i can be good at something. i really want this. that's why i aimed to get a chance to play in the nationals this year. i've tired playing outfield in this year's c div nationals. after i accomplished that, i aimed some more. i aimed to get into the infield for the school team. i worked twice as hard as anybody. you all didn't know cos i don't actually show or tell people how hard i work. i practise everyday at home. for hours. i trained till my hand now has a permanent injury. you all don't know how much effort i've put in. i get stress from my family and stress from training. i get stress from everywhere. i've put in so much effort to just get into infield. and now i've made it. staying in infield is way harder than getting into infield. all i want now is to be able to prove myself and get to play as third base for nationals. that's all i'm asking for. it's all so close yet it's so fragile. so easily taken away from me. it's already on the verge of escaping from my grasp. can you just understand or try understanding how i feel now? the anguish? {big words, i know} can you just feel how damn sad i am? training so hard just to do something for myself then losing it all just so easily. day by day, i get more crushed by the feeling. hearing you all telling me, that i can do it, doesn't seem to help. and getting more and more pressure from my family is worse. that's why i cannot afford to lose my chances given to me and just give up now. this is my dream, you can't take it away from me. even though how you feel about what i say about outfield. it's not a bad thing. but this is my DREAM. don't you get it? a dream. a dream that has to be fulfilled by my sheer hardwork and effort. with some kind of luck and miracle. this is my dream.